I roamed around trying to be social at Daisy's back-to-school picnic earlier this month. One woman, Monica, with whom I've chatted a couple times, was seated at one of the informational tables. She greeted me warmly and patted the seat next to her. I plopped down.

Monica was trying to get people to sign up for various volunteer jobs at the upcoming school fundraiser. It was a thankless job, but she soldiered on, hitting up each passing parent in between bits of chit-chat with me.

We had a nice little conversation and she expressed some surprise at how hard it was to sign up volunteers for such easy jobs. Being a human-in-training, I expressed sympathy and asked contextual questions about the jobs and blah blah blah. The next thing you know, I'm staring at a job description, politely saying, "Shoot, that doesn't sound so hard." She smiled and nudged the sign-up form towards me.

Doh! I had been suckered! This was two years in a row that this woman did this to me. Last year she corralled me into doing trash runs and clean-up with her after the picnic and now I was signing up to be a... phone solicitor!

AAAAAAAH! Or, to paraphrase Skot:

JESUS FREAKIN' BEEKEEPING CHRIST!

How on earth did I get suckered into being the lowest of the low? The slimiest of the slime! The damndest of the damned! Unbeekeepinglievable. I've become what I detest!

So, tonight I began my descent into hell. I studied my script and began calling all the parents in my daughter's class. I was supposed to remind them of the upcoming fund-raiser, and our fund-raising goals, and ask them if they'd be willing to sign up for any of the remaining jobs.

I've called about 15 parents so far. I've been hung up on once (in MID SPIEL!) and rudely refused another time. The first time I actually got a friendly person, I got so flustered, I forgot to ask her to volunteer for any jobs. And, of course, I forgot to tell every single person about the fund-raising goal for each family. Nice work, Mike!

Two minutes after I quit for the evening, my phone rang.

Me: Hello?
Person: ....
Me: Hallloooooooo?
Person: Hi, this is Wayne calling from the Window Factory. How are you doing tonight?
Me: Oh, ducky, just ducky.
Wayne: Great. I'm calling to tell you about our new green windows. We have a deal where you can get our these great new windows and a $100 rebate...
Me: Wayne, I'll tell you what. I've had a rough night, so I'll meet you half way here. I'll take your $100 AND I'll let you keep the windows. How's that?
Wayne: (laughing) Well, we can replace ALL the windows in your house for no money down and no payments for TWELVE MONTHS! How does that sound?
Me: Wayne, accept my offer now before it completely disappears. Right now you can still give me $200 and keep your windows FOR TWELVE....

Then Wayne hung up on me. Pfffft. I've been hung up worse than that.