Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Jobs I would be good at, if they existed:
  • Googler: I'm pretty good at finding stuff on the ol' Internet. I have a good sense for when to keep digging past the first page of results, when to change my search terms, and when to pull out the yellow pages.
  • Word Combiner: When someone around me says something like, "Man, I love donkeys. I'm a donkey lover.", I am always the first person to jump up and yell "DONKVER!"
  • Time Planner: Usually you don't have all the data you need when trying to plan a schedule. Maybe there's a task involved that you've never done before, or perhaps you're unfamiliar with the traffic delays at a given hour or location. That's why time planning is more of an art than a science. I am, however, a time artist. A Timetist.
  • Smart Assinator: I love to mock. I live to mock. I just need someone to pay me to follow them around and say things like, "You call that ass wiping?"
  • Pregnant Pause Filler: Actually, it's not so much that I'm good at this job, but rather that it causes me emotional distress to leave these pauses dangling (unless I dislike the person who last spoke).
  • Road Block Finder: Do you have a good idea? I'll tell you what's wrong with it!
I can't wait to be rich.


tinyhands said...

We don't have 'Word Combiners'. Down here in the South they're called Contractionists. At least, I think that's the same thing. One other difference: Ours get paid by the apostrophe.

Mike said...

They wouldn't get paid much 'round these parts. My combined words are apostrophe-free.

Tasty said...

Smart Assinator. Beth and I used to regularly comment, "He just cries out to be made fun of, doesn't he?" Hell, we still do it.

Mike said...

What can we do if they cry out for mocking? We are powerless to resist!