Saturday, March 18, 2006

Some good friends came over last night with their two week old baby. It brought back memories.

First, it's a pleasure to hold a small infant who is sleeping or at least marginally content. My parental "bounce" walk is still in good shape, so I'm reasonably capable of utilizing contentment inertia to keep a baby in that state. Although newborns are fairly shriveled and ugly, there's something endearing about their inability to comprehend the world around them. At this age you still have to wrap them up like a burrito, preventing them from repeatedly and unintentionally smacking themselves in the face with their own arms. They look so surprised when it happens. "Who did that?!?! WAAAAAAAH!" Good stuff.

Second, when the baby started fussing and the parents were unable to figure out why, I recognized the strained undertones in their voices. It's the frustration of having to solve a puzzle while being too exhausted to even think. Meanwhile the puzzle only has one clue, which is the sound, "WAAAAAAAH!". Baffling, it is.

I recall those days, constantly going through my internal checklist of why-is-the-baby-crying reasons:

Wet diaper?
Needs to burp?
Too hot?
Too cold?
Too tightly wrapped?
Too loosely wrapped?

Once you've exhausted that list, your brain either freezes, or you just start making up weird reasons:

Prostate cancer?
Baby is mocking me!
The terrorists have won!

Then you either jiggle the baby or feed the baby. That's what our friends did. They're fast learners.

Babies are hard.


The Tart said...


I can't sleep, maybe I am wrapped up too tight?

Finally, a man with a cuppa, who understands me!
; )

The Tart

Janelle Renee said...

Tart and Mike, I can always count on you for a good laugh!

Mike--You forgot to add under why-is-the-baby-crying reason list: Read previous post's comment thread.

Mike said...

Jody, my professional opinion is that you need to be burped.

jr, I scoured the previous comment thread and couldn't find the comment in question. Is the baby crying because the cup is too small? Because I'm bosom candy? Something about penises?

The Tart said...

OK...... you 2 need to quit your day jobs & take this stuff on the road! I almost spit-up peanut butter & crackers, ha.... (maybe I do need that burp?)

So after giving it much thought, I believe I will call you 2 "The Tanglers" on my bloggy-roll... your own header... what do you think?

Would somebody pass me my pink pacifier w/ the Chanel logo on it, whaaaaaa, my tummy hurts... ; (

The Tart

The Tart said...

It has been DONE!

You and JR are officially The Tanglers.
Why The Tanglers--
go to JRs for Tarty details, nacht!

The Tart

Janelle Renee said...

Mike. Oh, Mike. I don't know if I can help you.

Tart--No, you and Mike are way funnier, and need to take it to the road! I can be the third wheel and we can be the new millennium's 3 Stooges. The 3 Tarty Stooges.

Mike said...

Jody, woohoo! I am one step closer to my ultimate goal of blog domination.

Now, as for taking this show on the road, jr and Jody, clearly you two have mischaracterized my appeal. I'm not so much the funny guy as I am the eye candy. That's what I've heard anyway, and I'm sticking to it.