I'm going to a holiday party tonight (note: saying "holiday" makes the baby Jesus cry). The invitation says, "most festive outfits (black tie optional, ballgowns encouraged)." Festive, eh? Oh, surely this work-at-home computer programmer has TONS of appropriate attire.

Let's take a stroll through my closet, shall we? We shall.

Mostly I own t-shirts. A lot of t-shirts. They are gaily festooned with logos of energy bars, shoe companies, and insurance companies. Festive enough? Maybe. One of them is black.

I also have many polo shirts, mostly in black, blue, and white. They are festive like bruises are festive.

One ill-fitting grey pinstriped double-breasted suit. It probably makes more of a I-used-to-be-a-banker-back-when-I-was-even-ganglier statement than festive. Still, let's put this at the top of the list. Nothing says party like grey.

Jeans! Lots of jeans. Mostly blue, but black also (Vixen, you know I look sharp in those). I'm guessing that's not dressy enough, so maybe I must take the next step to....

Khakis! I like the word khaki because it sounds very similar to the yiddish word that mother used to use for feces. Although they're not fancy, having a feces-related story to trot out at cocktail hour vaults these babies into contention. "Hello holiday (sorry, baby Jesus) reveler! Funny story about these pants...."

I also have other slacks. They are kind of nice. Survey says....not funny!

Rumor has it that I also own some button-down shirts and those decorative noose-like things that men tie around their necks. Nooses are pretty festive.

It's going to be hard to pick out an outfit. Would would baby Jesus do?

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna march my wife into the closet and not let her out until she selects some clothes for me. This is why computer programmers get married.