Friday, June 17, 2005

Just got off the phone with a telemarketer. We had this conversation:


Me: Hello
Me: HELLO!?!?
Telemarketer: Hello, may I please speak to Michael ?
Me: That's me.
Telemarketer: I'm calling today from and we're conducting a survey on local issues. Are you available to answer a few questions?
Me: Lady, I'll give you a choice. We can either end this conversation now, or I can waste your time by giving you meaningless answers to your questions. Which would you prefer?
Telemarketer: It's your choice, sir.
Me: Huh? You don't have any preference?
Telemarketer: No, sir.
Me: You don't care if I just give silly answers to your questions?
Telemarketer: No, sir. It's your decision.
Me: Oh...well...heck, let's go for it.
Telemarketer: Thank you, sir. Sir, do you currently work for a newspaper, television station, radio station or some other form of media?
Me: 3!
Telemarketer: Pardon me?
Me: 3!
Telemarketer: I don't understand.
Me: See, this is what I was talking about. This is where I give you silly and meaningless answers to your questions.
Telemarketer: So, would your answer be that you don't know?
Me: If that's the way you choose to interpret it.
Telemarketer: Those are all the questions I have for today, sir. Have a nice day.

Hey, I warned her.


Badaunt said...

My way of dealing with telemarketers isn't quite as good, but it works:

Me: (in English) Hello.

Telemarketer: (in Japanese) I'm x from company y. We're conducting a survey about blah blah blah.

Me: (in Japanese) Do you speak English?

Telemarketer: (in Japanese) Er, no.

Me: (in Japanese) I'm terribly sorry. I don't understand Japanese. Do you have someone there who speaks English?

Telemarketer: Er... excuse me. We'll get back to you.

Me: Thank you. Bye-bye!

I have no idea why this works, but it does, and they never call back.

Mike said...

Apparently Japanese telemarketers are no smarter than their U.S. counterparts.

Eponymous Pseudonym said...


Actually, a few years back I heard this thing on NPR about a guy who put out a CD of all these conversations he'd had with/pranks he'd played on telemarketers (and actually recorded). The one I remember most went roughly like this:

TM: Hello, I'm from Acme Cleaning Company and --

Guy: OH thank GOD you called!

TM: Eh-

Guy: You're with a cleaning company? Jesus, you called at just the right time. Listen, I... have got blood... ALL OVER the living room....

TM: Uhh...

Guy: Do you think you could send someone over to do a demo or something RIGHT NOW? I've gotta get this cleaned up.

TM: You've got, uh, blood...?

Guy: Yeah, I mean it's soaked into the carpet, it's seeping into the upholstery, it's all over the curtains.... It's a real mess. Could you send somebody?

TM: --click---

Not long after, a couple of cops showed up at this guy's door. After he explained the situation to them, they laughed their asses off.

Mike said...

Tyson, I remember that NPR story. That guy is funnier than me, but in my defense, I improvise my stuff.

Eponymous Pseudonym said...

Wow, I told so many of my friends about that story -- people who regularly listen to NPR -- and nobody had heard of it. You're the first. I was beginning to think I'd hallucinated the whole thing.

I'm willing to bet your blog is better (including funnier) than his blog.

Mike said...

Tyson, if you've hallucinated that story, then you've hallucinated me too.

Crap, now I'm spooked out.