Monday, June 27, 2005

All of a sudden, in the last week or so, Google has been sending dozens of people to my blog who were searching for Swanson's unwritten rules of management. Considering that I'm not near the top of the search results for that query, I think it's safe to say that these poor searchers have not found what they're looking for. So, although I may not technically be an expert on the topic of Swanson's Unwritten Rules of Management, I think I do have one or two important things to say on the matter. As long as people are being sent here, allow me to give them what they want.

So, without further ado, here are Swanson's Unwritten Rules of Management.

1) Suggest to your employees that they should eat a LOT of Swanson's Hungry Man dinners.

2) Don't screw stuff up. No one likes a screw-up.

3) Give all your employees laughably small raises that are less than the inflation rate, even the employees who get good reviews. Also give them teensy-tiny bonuses and slowly take away their benefits. Remind them that if they're going to complain about this in their blog, they should find an indirect way to do it.

4) Before big meetings, practice saying "NOT IT!" as quickly as possible.

5) Don't set 5 or more people on fire in a single fiscal quarter.

6) When meeting your employees for the first time, regale them with stories filled with racial slurs. See how many you can put in one sentence! Remind them again to blog this carefully.

7) Consider catering your lunch-time meetings with delicious Swanson's Hungry Man dinners.

8) Never write down important rules.

I'm pretty sure that's all of them.


Will said...

Sounds like some of these come from personal experience /: )

Eponymous Pseudonym said...

I have a question, Mr. Consultant. Instead of setting five different people on fire in the same quarter, is it okay to set the same person on fire five different times?

Mike said...

Will, I can neither confirm nor deny your allegation.

Tyson, of course! Successful management is filled with good tricks like that.

dolface said...

there is a very good article here by someone who examined a swanson hungry man breakfast. with pictures.

it's kind of upsetting at times, but it makes for excellent reading.

Mike said...

Dolface, that is nasty. However, I'm dismayed that the writer went through all that effort and documentation and didn't actually EAT the food. That's just bad reporting.