Wednesday, April 06, 2005

People often ask me, "Mike, how are you so efficient, and handsome?"

Good questions. The handsome part is a trade secret, but I can assure you that it requires meticulous effort and constant maintenance. Pubic hairs don't groom themselves, boys and girls.

Now, the efficiency aspect I can elaborate on. In fact, I'd be honored to share my tips with the blogosphere at large. Note taking is encouraged. These are 100% genuine tips. Fresh, even!

1) Shoe Tying
Don't do this. Shoe tying is a huge waste of time, and may actually be a plot perpetrated by communist forces. If you must wear shoes with laces, I strongly encourage you to find a tightness that allows you to slip them off and on. If, however, you're going to engage in some activity that requires snug shoes (sports, sneaker sex, etc), then use some sort of intelligent knot. I recommend a modification on the standard knot so that you wrap one bunny ear loop around the other loop TWICE. This is different from a regular double-knot in that you can untie it the usual way (thus is more efficient). This site has other fine knots.

Time saved: ~ 20 seconds per day

2) Grocery Shopping
It's all in the list. I have crafted a generic shopping list on my computer that contains all of my commonly-purchased items. Here's the clever/geeky part. The items are sorted by by how they appear in my local supermarket aisles. That way, when I'm in the supermarket, I don't constantly have to keep rescanning the list everytime I walk down an aisle. I just march down the list. Genius! I keep one of these lists affixed to the refrigerator so that I can checkmark items on it, as I think of them.

Time saved: 2 minutes per shopping trip

3) Dishwasher Loading
This one only pertains to those folks with dishwashing machines. I recommend sorting the silverware as you put it into the special little silverware container thingee. That way, when you unload, you can just pick up a big chunk of them, and drop them into the proper spot. So easy!

Time saved: 15 seconds per dishwasher run

4) Making Beds
Don't. This is the stupidest of chores. The bed just gets all messed up again and nothing bad happens if you don't make it. You comment-happy neat freaks should prepare yourself to be mocked. I have my mocking shoes (tye-less) on.

Time saved: ~90 seconds per day

5) Driving in Traffic
You know how you'll be stuck in traffic, and the other lane will be going faster. You sit there and watch that lane go by and then, finally, you make your move into that lane, only to have it come to a complete stop as you watch your original lane speed up? This happens all the time. It's mostly caused by the fact that lots of other people are doing what you're doing when you're doing it. The secret is to realize that this back-and-forth slow-fast pattern is cyclical. You need to change lanes BEFORE everyone else. You've got to stay ahead of the pattern. Keep an eye out for this traffic pattern and change lanes before yours comes to a grinding halt.

Time saved: ~45 seconds per traffic jam

Frustration saved: Priceless

Congratulations, you have now found time for a new hobby, like scrabble or smoking or something. Enjoy!


amy said...

love the lists and your points of view. esp. the making of the beds. i see no point since i live alone and rarely have visitors upstairs other than my imagination!

Colby said...

One caveat: How do you keep the spoons from falling in together (in other words, spooning) and protecting all the food inbetween? Curse you, bean remnants, for your wily ways!

The Mincemeat Vixen said...

Okay, I was SOOO with you on the shoes. I do the same thing and it frustrates me greatly that when we're leaving the house together, I can have my shoes on in a nanosecond, and the anal retentive husband has to fucking untie and then tie back up, his laces. But THEN you got to the grocery list thing. Were you like this as a child? What did your wife say when she first saw this list? Did she shake her head? Is your daughter exhibiting these uber-geek tendancies? Just askin'

Eponymous Pseudonym said...

Mike, now you'll never be able to use the insanity self-defense in a court of law. This level of organization and outrageous attention to detail indicates that you are clearly far, far too sane. Excessively, obsessively, pathologically sane.

Mike said...

Gypsy, thanks! Yeah, that bed-making one is a no-brainer. Only freaks make their beds.

Colby, you're a smart little bastard. Ok, first off, all the dishwashers I've ever loaded have done a crappy jo b of washing silverware, no matter how you load them. So, you pretty much have to wash off all the stuck-on food prior to loading. Additionally, you do have to keep an eye on the spoons as you load, to make sure that they don't "spoon". I'll admit that this tip is the crappiest one on my list, hence the mere 15 seconds of savings.

Vixen, that grocery list is the finest tip on this list. I HATE wasting time in the supermarket scanning and rescanning my list, or having to go back to a previous aisle because I forgot something. An ordered list is key. Also, it's sexy. Chicks dig lists.

Tyson, thanks! I mean, screw you! Or is it thanks? Crap. Hi!