(Note to self, don't forget to insert pithy introduction to the topic of the Olympics here. Make the segue look effortless)
And that brings us to the Olympics.
If you're anything like me, you don't give a crap about the Olympics. Sure the long and middle distance running events make our hearts race while we forget to breath, but most of the other events are irrelevant. Should I be pole vaulting to work? Will shot-putting make me a better lover? Does including the word "luge" in my blog make it funnier? (Answers: no, probably not, and only if you're stoned.)
I'd like to see Olympic events that focus on the activities of our everyday lives. Imagine athletes competing in events we can all relate to, like ass-wiping. Who among us is the best ass-wiper? The importance and appeal of events like these is undeniable.
It is in this spirit, that I propose The Minutia Olympics, dedicated to inspiring us to excellence in our everyday lives. I'd like to see the following events contested in the first Minutia Olympics and I've listed the criteria by which athletes will be judged. (Obviously I was kidding about the ass-wiping event. Although it would be a great boon to those among us who lack excellence at this skill, the overall crassness of that spectacle eliminates it from this worthy competition.)
Description: Each of us pisses away valuable minutes of every day. Athletes in this competition would endeavor to show us how an expert does it. Medals would be awarded in eight separate divisions: Male Seated, Male Standing, Female Seated, and Female Standing. Each competition would include a compulsory set of exercises as well as a freestyle session.
Judging Criteria: Accuracy, splashback, speed, and arc asthetic.
Description: Although this is an unnecessary skill in these modern times, many of us spend precious moments of our lives practicing this arcane art. There is only one medal awarded in this competition for the best overall shoe tying. This event is unisex.
Judging Criteria: Speed of tying, strength of knot, ease of untying the knot, and athlete hotness.
Description: This is no-holds-barred, knock-down, drag-em-out, full-throttle, bring-it-on, sleep warfare. Competitors will stop at nothing to out-sleep their opponents. The event will be a team competition with each team consisting of one male and one female sleepthlete. Medals will be awarded in the flannel and lingerie divisions.
Judging Criteria: Number of hours of consecutive sleep endured, and stillness. Points detracted for any fluid emissions including but not limited to drool, semen, and urine.
This is but a fraction of the sporting entertainment that the Minutia Olympics will have to offer. I, for one, cannot wait to watch this on TV.
It's a glorious new world, my friends.