Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Had this Instant Messenger conversation with a coworker yesterday afternoon:

Me: My wife just reminded me that she bought us tickets for the SFGMC tonight. Any guesses?
Coworker: San Francisco Gay Men's Club?
Me: Sooooo close
Coworker: Gay Mensa Club?
Me: Less close
Coworker: Gay?
Me: The San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus!

Yes, last night the wife dragged me to and I went to see the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus perform. Normally I shun cultural events such as this, but I do value my marriage, and so off we went.

I learned a lot about a SF Gay Men's Chorus performance:

1) Ladies, if you're looking for a place to piss, make a beeline for a SFGMC performance. My wife was delighted to find that lines at the ladies room were nonexistent. She reported that the women were abuzz with excitement over the availability of toilet stalls, many women chiming into the group conversation with confirmations of line-free bathrooms throughout the venue. The dream is alive, ladies. Just find a place where men outnumber women 10:1, and pee to your heart's content.

The vibe in the men's room was less celebratory. I pissed with a grim determination, straining to exude heterosexuality. I am by no means a homophobe, but we've all heard rumors of there being various subtle signals that one gay man can give to another. Maybe it's something like an earring being in the right ear vs left or perhaps a hankerchief in a back pocket, I don't recall exactly. So, I was unsure whether I should piss with one hand, two hands, or go for the "Look, ma, no hands!" stunt. I cautiously went with the one-handed technique, not knowing if I was telling my co-pissers that I was a bottom, or perhaps that I desired a swarthy and hirsute lover.

Despite the fact that the usual unwritten rules about not choosing a urinal right next to another man were ignored, I managed to finish peeing without making a date. I was somewhat disappointed.

2) Prior to, during, and after the performance, there was a crapload of clapping. I had forgotten how much you have to clap during a live performance. There were times when I honestly thought to my self, "Man, I should work out my arms more." It was exhausting. This is why computer programmers don't go to more concerts.

Then, the whole do-I-stand-up-during-this-half-hearted-standing-ovation dilemma. I'm out for an evening of leisure. Why should I have to stand up? This is why computer programmers don't go to more concerts.

I propose that we give feedback to performers via a browser somehow. Instead of clapping, audience members could select their level of appreciation from a pull-down menu. Hit the "Submit" button and voila, the request would get processed by the application server, which would store it in a database, which would make it available for a monthly batch "Audience Response" report which could get emailed to the conductor. Presto, no need for clapping! Someone, build this.

3) The show was half opera, half show tunes. I'm not a big fan of opera, and I don't know many show tunes, but they done good. The show was light-hearted and professionally performed. If you like choral music, and you live near San Francisco, and you dig looking at 150 nattily attired gay men, then I can heartily recommend the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus.

2 comments:

The Mincemeat Vixen said...

I heard that one such "subtle signal" one gay man gives to another in the bathroom is putting a penis in their ass.

Also, if you use the word "hirsute" you are almost 100% guaranteed to be gay.

I have a lot of gay friends. That's how I know these things.

Mike said...

Oh, man, things are starting to make sense now. I was thinking that the guy behind me just had bad aim.