Friday, April 01, 2005

Day Four of Spring Break and debauchery is nowhere to be found. No bikini-wearing sorority girls, or beer chugging contents, or overrated hip-hop artists at the MTV Beach House. Sadly, this Spring Break will go down in history just like all my other Spring Breaks (actually, I did go to Ft. Lauderdale one year, but that's a story for another day).

Then, it happened.

At lunchtime, as the daughter and I were walking to the Metreon, a local entertainment/food complex in downtown San Francisco, I saw a huge number of hot, young, absurdly skinny, skankily-clad women. They were lining up outside the Metreon, fanning themselves in the midday sun. It was some sort of hot chick convention.

I heard the angels singing. It was as through the Spring Break Fairy had finally taken pity on me

"For me?" I asked quietly, but the Fairy did not answer, which is a rare occurrence in this town.

As we entered the Metreon, where even more babes were milling about, I saw a sign which explained this seemingly supernatural confluence of hot chicks.

"Audition for America's Next Top Model! Today from 10:00am to 6:00pm"

For those of you who live in a cultural vacuum, "America's Next Top Model" is a reality show which attempts to find the rarest kind of superhero: the supermodel. The competition is rigorous, mostly consisting of putting on clothes, with each outfit containing fewer threads and fastening devices than the last. Only the hot survive.

The show is hosted by Tyra Banks whose superpowers appear to be her breasts and her unnaturally huge and alien-like forehead. She must have a gigantic brain in there. Either way, these are formidable powers.

Actually, I have never seen the show, but after strolling amidst these would-be contestants, I learned quite a few things about the woman who will be America's Next Top Model:

1) She does not eat lunch. I saw hundreds of these women today, at lunchtime, amidst a plethora of adequate and moderately-priced food, and not a single one stopped for lunch.

2) Her Super Vision can tunnel right through computer programmers. I swear not a single one of these women so much as saw me. Often, when I'm walking alongside my skipping daughter, women will give me a "Awww, how sweet" smile. Not today.

3) She goes to the bathroom relentlessly. The flow of women in and out of that bathroom was tremendous. I don't know if they were going in there to apply more rouge (is that a kind of make-up?) or to puke up the packet of Equal (tm) that they ate for breakfast.

Compelling insights indeed.

And there's your Spring Break Moment of Zen. Four days down.

(Note: This post is not an April Fool's Day joke. I really did see a virtual army of models)


Tasty said...

Not in a cultural vacuum so much, as a popcultural vacuum. Damn my book-reading soul!

tinyhands said...

You have a societal obligation to carry a camera and take pictures of just such gatherings, if only to prove that it isn't an April Fool's joke.

Mike said...

Hey everybody, Enstein (Stacey) reads books. Well, once my daughter finishes learning how to read, there will be two of you people. Hah!

Tiny, surpisingly, there is a limit to the creepy-vibe I'm willing to exude.