Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I'm getting more and more feedback from my family and friends that I'm stunting the social development of my precocious five year-old daughter. The following have been cited as offenses on my part:

1) My daughter and I play a game that is probably best called Vomit Tag. Generally it starts with me clutching my stomach and moaning "Ohhhhhh, I don't feel so good." I then stagger towards my daughter pretending to barely hold in my vomit which is seemingly fighting its way out of my stomach. My daughter then shrieks with fear, screams "DON'T VOMIT ON ME!!" and runs to hide behind the nearest piece of furniture/mother. I keep gagging and lurching towards her, and the game generally ends when I pretend to puke on her, running my hands down her head as though vomit were dripping through her hair.

This game is a derivative of our old activity, Sneeze Tag, which is almost identical. Substitute the gagging and lurching with lots of open-mouthed "Aaah! Aaah!" noises and you've got a very similar game. It ends with virtual snot dripping down her head.

Note that although I generally initiate Vomit Tag, sometimes she requests it.

2) Back when my daughter was in the womb, I entertained myself and my wife by speaking for the fetus. I can't quite describe the voice that I used because that would require actual writer-like skills, but imagine a growly and gravelly voice, more appropriate for a hobo than a baby, with the merest hint of a Mexican accent. I used this voice whenever I pretended to be her, and this continued, off and on, until she could speak for herself.

I used different but similar voices for her various toys and stuffed animals. Often the toys would get imbued with equally inappropriate personalities and occupations. For example, I named one of her toys Mr. Surly who was an actuary by trade and hated most everything. Now, although I admit to being rather sleep-deprived at this point in my life, I defy you to argue that this toy, pictured here:

wouldn't be angry. Look at him! What the hell is that? Christ, I'd be pissed too. Anyway, to this day when I play with my daughter, our interactions will often include silly voices.

Apparently my daughter now thinks that this is how one interacts with five year-olds. So, when she plays with her school-mates, she'll bring out the funny voices and generally imitate my schtick. The other kids are confounded by this behavior and either think she's weird or that she's making fun of them. The former may be true, but definitely not the latter.

So, I ask you, what's a dad to do?


tinyhands said...

Just don't ever write about Diarrhea Tag. Those who monitor our writings will come and take the child and place her with sensible parents. Too funny, by the way- crank it back a notch. ;)

Mike said...

Diarrhea Tag! Excellent, that is the next logical evolutionary step in this game. I'll note that on my to-do list.

M'Ary* said...

Hi...I am visiting from Stacey's blog "So on the Bandwagon." From one parent of a five-year-old girl to another, I always say, "They're going to be in therapy anyway, so I might as well give them something INTERESTING to TALK about."

Mike said...


I'd really appreciate a phone call or at least an email before you visit next time. I like to tidy up before people come over.

Thanks for the support though. I shall call you as a witness when Child Protection Services busts down my door.

Tasty said...

Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Hi, M*Ary'. XOXOOX

Mike said...


Man, you've got the craziest names. If they're not filled with asterisks, then they're parenthesized. Maybe I need to do something like that. There are about a zillion other Mikes around. I could be M!ke, or M(I()K)E.

Mike said...

Whoops. I was a confused little blogger. I now understand that M&*!ary and Tasty are two different people. Me smart now.

Tasty said...

Sorry for the name confusion; I just parenthesized because there have started to be more Staceys in our little section of the blog world and I figured I'd eventually trasition to just "Tasty". In the meantime, I thought I'd leave a clue as to what I've been calling myself all this time. :-)

Mike said...

Ok, I'll bite. Why "Tasty"?