Thursday, December 30, 2004

In January of 2004, I made one New Year's Resolution. With no one as my witness, I declared that I was no longer going to over-steam my vegetables into a mushy mess. Crisp vegetables, that was to be the theme for 2004.

In general, I don't do the whole New-Years-Resolution thing. Being a boring and pragmatic bastard, I promptly dismiss any necessary changes in my life as they come up. This removes the need to batch up change requests for some aribitrary Jan 1st deadline.

I guess, however, the prospect of eating mushy vegetables for another year inspired me to make the kind of bold resolution that would normally cause me to snort in derision. I wanted crisp and firm vegetables. I wanted my broccoli and asparagus that snapped with the sort of conviction that said, "I AM A CHANGED MAN!". Call it performance anxiety if you must, but I just can't stand flaccid asparagus.

And so, the great New Years Resolution of 2004 was made.

How did it go, you ask? Eh. It went ok. I still screw up sometimes, but I ate mushy vegetables less often this year. What more can a man ask?

Apparently two more things, because this year, inspired by my incremental improvement in vegetable crispness, I'm making two more resolutions. That's double the challenge. Bring. It. On.

Resolution #1 is to manage my Status better on my Instant Messenger client. The last couple months have been atrocious in this regard. A status of "Available" generally meant that I was out for a run, whereas a status of "Be Right Back" almost always meant that I was sitting in front of the computer.

In 2005 I vow to have accurate statuses 99.9% of the time! My status will not only reflect if I've gone to the bathroom, but it may even let you know the color of my urine! (I'm hoping for a light goldenrod). My coworkers and friends will be confident that if my status is "Available" and I'm not answering their messages, then it's because I suddenly hate them, and not because I'm away from my desk. This will be reassuring for all.

Resolution #2 is to greet my daughter each morning with a big smile, regardless of how exhausted or grumpy I feel. Watch me force a smile on my face... :) See? Easy peasy.

And, while typing this, I just got reminded of another resolution I need to make. Apparently the shock value of all the dick jokes I make is wearing thin. My friends now numbly regard my insertion of cock-related comments, into almost any situation, as commonplace.

So, it's time to up the ante. Resolution #3 is to ensure the continuing presence of easy humor by finding new shocking humor to exploit. Perhaps I'll joke about dear dead relatives or maybe felching. "Oh, you want to have lunch today? Sure, right after I felch your dead grandpa." Yes, that'll do nicely.

Happy Almost New Year


dolface said...

i like the felching and dead-relatives thing, but i think you're missing out on another possibility: the transgenic-necro-felch.

mentioning that you need to felch the beloved, dead, family gerbil before you can have lunch will have them rolling in the aisles, guaranteed.

Mike said...

And Dolface wins the Holiday Spirit Award! Congratulations, Dolface, your prize of a lump coal, shaped like a turd, is in the mail.

amy said...

happy new year from sunny 60 degree yankton, south dakota. i raise my raspberry vodka mixed with a little watermelon puckers to you and our goofy mindless blogship in 2005. don't question my taste for bizarro drinks please :) cheers, inky

Mike said...

Oh, I just remembered an old resolution, although I can't recall if it was from 2004 or 2003. I resolved that year to chew my food more thoroughly. I was weary of being able to identify my food on the way out. "Oh, that's right, we did have mushrooms on the pizza."

I didn't do so well on that one, I say to no one in particular.