Friday, December 03, 2004

At what point does this blog become a laundry list of things better left unsaid? Today. Today is that day.

So, I went down to the kitchen yesterday to scrounge up some lunchy. Sadly, there were no left-overs for me to reheat, so I browsed the cabinets looking for something sufficiently tasty and easy to make. There it was, tuna! I was going to make me a yummy little tuna melt.

Then, right next to the tuna, I spied with my adult-sized eyes a can of crab meat. Mmmmm, I love crab! I've never piled it on a piece of bread and wolfed it down, but it's crab, right? Mmmmmm, I said.

I opened that puppy up and was disappointed to find that it didn't contain lovely large chunks of crab, but rather some sort of pre-masticated crab meat, little tiny crab bitlets. Being the gourmand that I am, I said, "whatever" and piled it onto some bread, topped it off with some sharp cheddar and toasted it up. I made two of these babies.

Midway through the first piece, I started to feel vaguely nauseated. It was, as it turns out, a pretty nasty lunch. I couldn't tell if the nastiness resulted from the crab bitlets being spoiled or merely inedible. Either way, no good reason to continue eating it, right?

I considered throwing it away, but then the garbage would have smelled like rotting seafood until the next garbage day, which was 5 days away. I considered putting it down the garbage disposal in the sink, but then the kitchen would stink of rotting crab (unless I did something Einsteinian-smart like follow it up with baking powder).

There I sat with my 1.5 pieces of uneaten crab melt, dismayed that I had constructed a lunch so toxic that I was unable to conceive of a plan to dispose of it. This was a lunch too disgusting to even throw away. Utilizing all the power of my brain, I deduced that the only place secure enough to contain the crab melt was in my stomach. So... I... ate... the... sandwich... that... was... too... gross... to... put... in... the... trash.

No, I am not proud.

Yes, I am thinking of putting out a cookbook. Care for one for Winter Present Tree Day?

So, did I disprove Darwin's "survival of the fittest" theory by being stupid enough to eat garbage and survive? Or, did I prove the theory by demonstrating my stomach of steel? If you pick the latter, I can send you my Stomachs Of Steel in 8 Minutes video.


Kat said...

I ate a salmon sandwhich today and thought of you. Thanks for that.

Mike said...

I am so pleased to forever be associated with people's fears of spoiled food. I am the spokesperson for dangerous bacteria.

Kat said...

Lol. Yeah, you totally grossed me out with that post...