Hey, you know what started today? The Major League Baseball season!

Yay!

You know what didn't start today? My baseball gambling software. (I would have also accepted "The Giants' offense" as an answer)

Boo.

I may yet resurrect that program, but the itch that program scratched is now being scratched by my day trading efforts. Plus, I think I've already learned much of what I had to learn from that effort. Next up? I'm not sure.

Anyone got any good ideas for web sites I should build? I'll share some of my to-be-made zillions with you if your idea pans out.

There are very few things in this world more boring and tedious than running a marathon. One of those things, however, is training for a marathon.

There are hardly any things at all more boring and tedious than training for a marathon. One of those things, however, is reading about how to train for one.

That's what this blog post is about. Lucky you. So, without further ado, here's

Mike's Unofficial Guide to Training for a Marathon

First, you're probably wondering what makes me qualified to write a marathon training guide. That's an excellent question. The answer is that I'm not. I'm just a dude with a blog. Although I've completed 7 marathons, including qualifying for (and running) the Boston Marathon, I'd categorize most of my marathon runs as failures. That being said, I've learned a lot from those failures.

This guide is going to assume that you're not starting from ground zero. If you can't yet run a couple miles without stopping, then you're going to have to build up some endurance before you can think about embarking upon marathon training. It's been a long time since I was at that point, so I don't have much advice to give you. Somehow, via hard work, steroids, or magic, you're going to need to get yourself to the point where you can run for about 30 minutes without stopping. I don't care what pace you run at, just be able to run for that long without keeling over.

If you can get to that point, then it's one positive sign that your body can handle the rigors of running, and that your brain might be stupid enough to engage in marathon training.

Ok, so let's say you can run for 30 minutes, and that you're covering more than 2 miles in that time (it doesn't have to be 3 miles, but 2.25 would be dandy). Now, how do you get from that point to a marathon? That's what this guide is all about.

This is a nice segue to

Mike's First Rule of Running: Run at little as possible.

I cannot stress this highly enough. Not only is running boring, exhausting, and painful, it's really not that good for you. You'd be better off swimming or on that ridiculous elliptical machine. So, the goal here is to run as few miles as possible while getting your body ready to run 26.2 miles on race day.

I NEVER run two days in a row. My schedule is to run 3 times a week. This idea here is that rather then spending your days running "garbage" miles, instead you should run less frequently and focus on quality mileage. Getting out and plodding through miles 6 times a week is a great way to lose weight but it isn't a very efficient way to train for a marathon.

By ensuring that you always have at least one "rest" day between runs, you give your body a chance to recover, which helps you make the most out of each workout and reduces injuries. This concept is where my training guide differs from the vast majority of advice out there.

Mike's Second Rule of Running: No walking.

There are many training programs out there that are based on a run/walk system where you run for X minutes, then walk for a minute or two, then run for X minutes, then walk, etc. I've heard wonderful things about this approach, but I know nothing about it, so I'm not going to cover it here. If your goal is to run/walk a marathon, then you're doing something super impressive for sure, but it's something different than setting out to run the whole thing. I'd recommend checking out any of the websites that cover the Galloway Method for information on the run/walk approach.

Mike's Third Rule of Running: Race before marathon day. You don't want your marathon day to be your first race. As you build your mileage, find some local races to do. 10Ks and half-marathons are best, but 5Ks are ok too. You just want to get over the mental hurdle of running a race. Generally they are pretty supportive environments these days, but some folks get all bent out of shape about "running a race". Just go run one and get it over with long before race day. This will help you get acclimated to the logistics of a running race.

Ok, let's move on here.

Phase 1: Building a Base

You want to get up to the point where you can run about 10 miles without stopping. The way you get to this point is by doing a long run once a week where you go a little further than the previous week.

If your longest run was less than 5 miles, then I'm going to recommend adding a half mile to your long run each time. Keep doing this once a week until your long run gets to 5 miles. Once you're at that point, then you can add a full mile each week.

Now, running further than you've ever run before EVERY SINGLE WEEK sounds pretty hard, (and frankly it does kind of suck) but it's not as bad as it sounds. The idea is to run a little slower on these runs. If your normal pace is a 10 minute mile, then maybe try 11 minute miles during these long runs. The exact value here will vary from person to person, but the concept is that it's not wise to increase your mileage and expect to maintain the same speed. These long runs are all just about teaching your body how to extend itself. You don't want to do this at the same time you're trying to run fast. Take it easy.

I suggest doing these long runs on the weekend. At some point they're going to get long enough that they'll take hours, so the weekend is the best way to fit them in. The long runs are the most important part of your training, so don't skip these. If you do skip one, then don't try to make up for it by adding in extra mileage the following week. If you skip your 8-miler, then do it the following weekend. Don't jump from 7 to 9 miles in a week.

Ok, so that covers your long run each week, but as you recall, you're supposed to be running three times a week, so what should you be doing doing your 2 mid-week runs?

Well, at this point in the training, it's not that important what you do. Your mid-week runs should be shorter (duh) than your long runs and they should be a little faster, but mostly what you need to focus on is variety.

These runs should be should be somewhere in the 30 to 60 minute range, and they should be somewhat varied. Don't run the same course every time. By choosing different routes, you decrease boredom and increase the types of terrain that your body is getting used to. Vary the speed too. Sometimes pick out an object in the distance (a tree, a sign, a nice micro brewery) and pick up the pace as you run to it. That technique is called a "fartlek". It's not too painful to do, it's great training, and it's fun to tell people that you did fartleks. If you live near any hills or trails, throwing in some routes that include those is really good stuff too.

Now, let's talk about nutrition. I'm not going to tell you do to some crazy diet, or to cut out desserts, or to focus on photosynthesis. Obviously the healthier your diet, the better your body will perform, but personally I wouldn't take on any activity that prevented me from eating like crap. Really, there are only three must-dos as far as I'm concerned.

First, I'd recommend carbo-loading before any long run. This isn't a big deal when your long run is 4 miles, but it is pretty handy when you get to the double-digits in mileage. People smarter than me will tell you about good carbs, bad carbs, and carbs that are probably going through their angst and ennui phase, but if you can stuff down a pasta dinner the night before a long run, that's good enough.

Second, any time you're feeling spent after a run (this probably includes all long runs and any hard shorter ones), it's important that you eat some carbs and protein ASAP. You want to get some carbs in your system (even a bottle of sports drink will do) within 30 minutes or so of your run. It would be great if you could get some protein within the hour. Doing this will help your body recover from the run, which helps you perform at a higher level during your next run. It's all about quality workouts.

Third, you're going to need some nutrition DURING your long runs. Everyone is different but for me, I'm sure to take along a goo/gel pack on any run that's longer than about 75 minutes. I'll pop one of those babies somewhere between the 50 and 70 minute mark, and then for longer runs, I'll take another one every 40 minutes after that. Keeping that simple food pumping into your system while you run really helps you avoid hitting the infamous "wall". You'll probably need to experiment with which products suit your stomach and taste buds best, but none of them are actually enjoyable. In fact, if you slug down a "goo" and it tastes good, then you've probably waited too long into the run to consume it.

Finally, there's cross training. I don't think cross training is super important at this point, but if you're serious about finishing those 26.2 miles in a reasonable amount of time, then you should consider throwing in one day a week of aerobic cross training (biking is best, but anything will do) and one day a week of core strength training. If you can strengthen your core and lower body, that will help you tremendously in the next phase of training.

So, in summary, the Build a Base phase is all about the weekly long run (increasing slowly until you get to about 10 miles) with two mid-week runs. If you have the time for cross training days (one aerobic and one strength), then that's great, but you can probably escape without it. These workouts, combined with your increased knowledge about how to feed your body is the first phase of marathon training.

Phase 2: Ice Baths

Mostly this phase is more of the same, but it's time to throw in some speed work and turn up the notch on the mileage. Let's talk about the mid-week runs first.

You've got two mid-week runs per week. The first one needs to be what's called a "tempo" run. All that really means is that you've picked up the tempo a bit. These need to be at a slightly uncomfortable pace, the sort of speed that you would not be able to run twice as far at. These runs need to be from 40 to 60 minutes long.

The second mid-week run needs to focus on speed even more. On these runs you need to spend time running at a very uncomfortable pace, the sort of speed that you can probably only keep going for 5 minutes on a good day. Here are some good examples of speed workouts:

1) Run one of your regular routes, and start off with a few minutes of easy jogging, but then alternate between 1 minute of hard speed and then 2 minutes of easy jogging. Do this for the remainder of the run

2) Go to the track, warm up, and then run 400 meters (about 1/4 mile) at a fast clip. Then, spend 2 minutes resting or walking. Repeat this 8 times. Try to maintain an even pace for each of your 400 meter intervals (i.e. the first one should be about the same speed as the middle one and the last one)

3) Do "fartleks" (described in the previous section)

The first time or two you do these speed workouts, do the amounts I've suggested. You will, however, need to ramp up the amount of time/distance that you spend running fast over the weeks. For example, with the track workout, consider a "pyramid" pattern where for each workout your intervals start short, then increase until you're halfway done, and then decrease in distance until you're done. For example, a really hard track workout would be where your first interval is 400 meters, and then your second interval is 800, third is 1200, fourth is 1600 (a full mile!) and then do the reverse for the final four intervals. THAT would be a kick-ass workout and is probably as hard as you ever need to go.

If instead of the track workouts, you're doing the run where you alternate fast running with slow running, then over the weeks increase the number of minutes that you spend running at the fast speed. Having the 2 minutes of easy jogging in between intervals is a good rest period though, so feel free to keep that constant.

Let me state at this point that speed workouts are the second most horrible thing about marathon training. They absolutely suck (and if they don't, you aren't running them fast enough, slacker!). BUT, they build up your aerobic ability in a way that the long endurance runs cannot. Also, they make the pace of your weekly long runs feel much easier in comparison.

Ok, so let's cover the long runs now. As in the previous phase, keep upping the mileage by one mile per week until you get to 14 miles. After that, we're going to shift the long runs to every other week and we're going add TWO miles each time. Finally, we're going to add in some "tempo" portions to some long runs. Your "tempo" pace is a slightly uncomfortable pace that you do your first mid-week run at (or maybe slightly faster).

These minutes of tempo runs are important for our "quality not quantity" approach. Note that you're going to be running fewer miles with my guide than you normally would with marathon training, so it's important to make these quality miles. Doing some tempo at the beginning and end of some of these runs (as indicated below) will give you the mental and physical toughness you'll need on race day without over burdening your body with mileage during the training period.

Below I've got a sample schedule showing a great set of long-run workouts for this phase of marathon training. It's not imperative that you do this exact schedule, but something similar to it is key. Also, you should expect that you might get sick, or have some other interruption in your schedule. That's fine. In fact, you should build time for down time into your schedule. Just note that when you return to running, you shouldn't skip over the workouts you missed.

Week 1: 11 miles. Run at your "tempo" pace for the first 2 minutes and the last 2 minutes. For the rest do your normal easy pace for long runs

Week 2: 12 miles. Normal easy pace

Week 3: 13 miles. Run at your "tempo" pace for the first 4 minutes and the last 4 minutes. For the rest, do your normal easy pace for long runs

Week 4: 14 miles. Normal easy pace

Now we're at the point where we're going to add 2 miles every other week instead of one mile each week. During the off weeks, we'll do a medium-length run with more tempo

Week 5: 10 miles. Run at your "tempo" pace for the first 6 minutes and the last 6 minutes. For the rest, do your normal easy pace.

Week 6: 16 miles. Normal easy pace

Week 7: 11 miles. Run at your "tempo" pace for the first 8 minutes and the last 8 minutes. For the rest, do your normal easy pace.

Week 8: 18 miles. Normal easy pace

Week 9: 12 miles. Run at your "tempo" pace for the first 10 minutes and the last 10 minutes. For the rest, do your normal easy pace.

Week 10: 20 miles! Normal easy pace

Week 11: 12 miles. Run at your "tempo" pace for the first 15 minutes and the last 15 minutes. For the rest, do your normal easy pace.

Week 12: 22 miles! Normal easy pace

Wow! 22 miles! Crikey. Some training programs have you max out at 20 miles, and that's ok, but it sure will suck on race day trying to run 6.2 miles further than ever before. That being said, if you're running at a pace where 20 miles takes you more than 4 hours, then 20 miles is probably far enough. There's no need to do a 4+ hour training run.

Here are a couple of notes about the long runs:

1) The above schedule needs to be set up so that your 22 miler is THREE WEEKS before race day. You need those three weeks to recover from the 22 miler. Four weeks would be ok (but not optimal) and two weeks would be inadequate. Spend some time with your calendar nailing down the dates for those long runs.

2) Even though you're not going to get very close to 26.2 miles before race day, you're getting close enough. Running a marathon is terrible for your body and requires a tremendous amount of recovery so you DON'T want to run anything to close to that distance while training. Instead, you log 2 runs of 20 miles or more, and then let the rest of your training (and rest) carry you on race day. This is a proven method and almost every marathon training technique does something similar.

3) On those days when you increase your long runs by two miles (weeks 6, 8, 10, and 12), I HIGHLY recommend taking an ice bath after your run. Here's how they work.

Soon after your run, grab a bag of ice from a market, and bring it to your bathroom. Fill your tub with enough cold water to cover your legs completely and then get in. Scream if necessary. Once you're in, dump the bag of ice into the tub with you. Sit there for 15 minutes. Feel free to wear a sweatshirt.

Ice baths are the WORST thing about marathon training, but they are absolutely the BEST way to recover from a long run. You'll save yourself days of limping around. They are key.

Ok, finally, in this phase of training, it's imperative that you be doing one day of aerobic cross training (preferably biking, but whatever) and probably one day of core strength training (pilates are great, but any core and lower-body work is fine). The aerobic days are important because we don't do a lot of mileage in this program, and the strengthening is important to carry your body through the pounding of the long runs.

Phase 3: Taper

You're now three weeks away from marathon day. Your body is exhausted from having logged 2 20+ milers in the last couple weeks and you're wondering how this exhaustion translates into a successful race. The answer is to rest.

For the next three weeks, you're going to ramp down your training. The key here is to still run at the same intensity level (quality!), but cut down on your miles. When race morning hits, your legs should feel fresher than they've felt in months.

For your next long run (two weeks before race day), do a 12 miler. Run at your "tempo" pace for the first 15 minutes and the last 15 minutes. For the rest, do your normal easy pace.

During the week, do your normal mid-week runs. Feel free to knock a mile off each of them.

For your last "long" run, go out and run about 10 miles at the pace you wish to run the marathon at. For me, this is slightly faster than my normal easy pace that I use for long runs. Then, for your last set of mid-week runs, skip the speed workout. Log a few miles at a comfortable pace. The idea here is to just keep your muscles loose. There's no way for you to increase your fitness in the week before your marathon, instead you're merely trying to maintain your fitness, while keeping your body loose and ready to run.

Phase 4: Marathon Weekend

You have one mantra that you must repeat over and over this weekend.

Mike's Last Rule of Running: Nothing new before a race.

NOTHING new. No new foods. No new shoes (especially no new shoes!). No new pre-run routine. Nothing. Stick to the tried and true here. Whatever has gotten you to this point will get you across the finish line.

So, carbo-load, stay off your feet as much as possible before the race, and try to relax. Also, don't expect to sleep much the night before the race. Most people get really anxious and then get a crappy night of sleep before the race, which freaks them out. This is pretty common and is not a big deal. You've been training your body for months for this race and getting a crummy night of sleep is a very minor factor in how you will perform. Your muscles and aerobic system are ready, even if you only get a couple hours of sleep.

That's it! Simple eh?

Good luck.

I remember, back when I was a kid, that there was a group of people calling themselves Breatharians. They claimed that the human body could absorb all the nutrition it required from breathing fresh air and absorbing energy from light. The leader of this sect appeared on some talk show that my mother watched (I think it was Phil Donohue) and spoke about his lifestyle. He stated that the only "food" he consumed was a little fruit juice and he only needed that because the air where he lived wasn't very pure.

It was a fantastic claim and really made some people consider what the human body was capable of.

Months later that Breatharian was spotted buying and eating a burrito from 7-11. That was maybe the most awesome news story I ever heard. It's one thing to claim that you don't eat food and then get caught nibbling on an apple, but to be so goddamn hungry that you give in and eat a 7-11 burrito, which nutritionally is equivalent to mud but with trans-fats, and tastes about the same, set the standard for humor in news stories that wasn't matched until Elliot Spitzer decided to see what all those defendants had gotten so excited about. Brilliant.

It's been about 20 years since that story came out, and I had mostly forgotten about Breatharians. The burrito story had pretty much shut the lid on the possibility of people existing on air and light.

Or so I thought until I met Daisy's friends.

I took Daisy and one of her friends, Jane, to Great America yesterday, an amusement park in our part of the world. After a couple of hours, we hunkered down for lunch in some crappy cafeteria where the menu was filled with kid-friendly crap like burgers, pizza, chicken strips, etc. I let Jane peruse the menu and then I asked her what she'd like to eat.

"Fruit cup," she said.

I explained that she'd need to eat something hearty in addition to the fruit cup and then I ran through the menu again for her. I asked what else she'd be willing to eat.

"Fruit cup," she answered.

I knew that she wasn't a vegetarian, so I insisted that she eat some sort of protein. I stated that I couldn't in good conscience bring her home after a day in the amusement park having only eaten some fruit, so she'd have to eat SOMETHING besides the fruit cup.

"Just a fruit cup," she repeated.

I ordered her a burger. She ate a couple bites. Good enough.

Jane's not the only kid like this. My niece only eats trace amounts. The boy Daisy has a crush on won't eat when anyone is looking (literally). Another kid only eats bacon. It's bewildering.

I'm left to conclude that Breatharianism is alive and well. Either that or all of Daisy's friends are going to keel over from malnutrition presently.

I'm a crotchety old bastard, but I'm rooting for the former.

Happy freakin' Easter!

This morning I drove Daisy over to her aunt's apartment here in San Francisco. Her aunt is familiar with my satirical approach to holidays (hello Winter Present Tree Day!), so she has taken it upon herself to provide Daisy with an old-fashioned Easter egg hunt. Of course this egg hunt was done San Francisco style, so instead of hiding eggs in big lush gardens, I think she hid one in her incense box, one in her guitar, one in her ironic t-shirt drawer, one in her hemp bag of organic whole-grain quinoa, and the rest in politically correct locations that don't contribute to global warming. It's how we roll here on the Left Coast.

On the way over to her aunt's place, Daisy and I had this conversation:

Daisy: Daddy, do you want to know how I picked out this Easter basket?
Me: Uh, sure.
Daisy: Well, I liked the pretty color and the cute little bunnies on it. There was another one with little baby chicks, but what do chicks have to do with Easter?
Me: Heck, what do bunnies have to do with Easter either?
Daisy: The Easter BUNNY!
Me: The holiday isn't really about the Easter Bunny. It's about Jesus. It celebrates his birth... no, wait, that's Christmas. Dang. Is it his death that they're celebrating? That doesn't make any sense. That may be Good Friday although I don't get what's so good about his death. I think maybe Easter is about when he recovered from death. That was one of his superpowers, kind of like Claire on Heroes.
Daisy: Uh huh.
Me: Anyway, the point is that it's another Jesus holiday, like Christmas. So, maybe we ought to come up with our own version so that we can celebrate it too. How does that sound?
Daisy: That's a great idea!
Me: What should we call it?
Daisy: Hmmmm. Egg day? Or maybe Spring Egg Day?
Me: I like Spring Egg Day! That's very descriptive. I vote for that name. Happy Spring Egg Day, Daisy!
Daisy: Happy Spring Egg Day, Daddy!

And that's how I cemented my place in Hell. Happy Spring Egg Day everyone!

I'm a little bit of a snob.

For the most part I'm a down-to-earth guy, but I have my areas where I'm pretty sure that my preferences are superior to those of the common man. For example, I regard white bread, American cheese, and Adam Sandler movies with complete disdain.

If you like those things, does that mean that I don't like you? Certainly not!

I just like you a little less than before.

You can also add any number of television shows to the list of items that are beneath me. You've got your Jerry Springer, your Cops, your Super Extreme Whatever Makeover Spectacular, wrestling and, of course, American Idol.

This season I've been tivoing American Idol for Daisy. Since I'd never seen the show before, I watched a bit of the first few episodes to make sure that it was Daisy-appropriate. Then, over the last few weeks, when I couldn't watch our usual Tivo'ed shows (because Hank was busy with auction crap and I was saving them for her), I'd watch more of American Idol.

At some point, and I'm not exactly sure when it was, I started to... ugh, I can't believe I'm going to say this... I started to enjoy American Idol. The performances are uneven, and can be boring at times, but they're often entertaining or at least charmingly flawed and Simon Cowell is appealingly rude. The show is actually enjoyable.

When did this happen? When did I become Joe America? I suck.

Anyway, I can't wait to watch next week's show with an American cheese on Wonder Bread sammich. Mmmmm, the lowest common denominatorlicious.

I brought Daisy to a birthday party on Saturday and it turned out to be the sort of party where instead of dropping off your kid, all the parents stay for the duration of the party and mingle.

Oh, mingling, why must thou mock me?

I generally enjoy chatting with the father of this birthday boy, but he was fairly busy during this party entertaining the kids with various wacky antics, so I was left to mingle with people I either knew a little bit or not at all. I awkwardly bounced from one group of parents to another, trying desperately not to look like That Guy Over There By Himself. He's a loser.

Several times the party naturally divided into two groups: the men and the women. More often than not, I found myself plopping down on the couch alongside the women. This is a familiar pattern to me.

I'm more awkward than usual in a group of guys that I don't know well. I don't know what to say. I don't have my stock patter. I get all anxious when the conversation inevitably peters out due to my lack of common ground with pretty much everyone who isn't a business process management engine software developer. At the end of these awkward conversation, I feel like I've failed in some significant way, as though I'm incapable of making friends.

That same feeling of alienation, however, makes me feel much more normal in a group of women. It's natural to feel like the different person when you're the only guy. I can play off it with my standard bits like, "I was going to paint MY nails that color too!" using the fish-out-of-water situation for easy humor

The most reassuring part of these female-surrounded conversations is how they end. They'll come to the same familiar conclusion as nearly every interaction I've ever had with a woman.

"Oh, I know what comes now!" I'll think. "This is the part where we don't kiss!"

So comforting.

Last night Daisy's school held their annual auction fundraiser.

I think it went pretty well. I'm not exactly sure. I spent most of the time in the back room performing data entry, filing, and cashier tasks.

When I left it was close to midnight. Dozens of other parents stayed behind, dismantling displays, packing up, and cleaning. Hank left with me, but she had already logged 15 hours that day, having arrived before 9:00am. This is on top of the hundreds of hours she had spent over the previous months. She'll probably spend another 100 hours before the year is over. Several other parents were also team "leads" and spent ridiculous amounts of time on the auction and a couple may even have worked more than Hank.

The day of the auction more than 100 parents volunteered their time and skills to put on the event. Hundreds more actually attended the event and spent their hard-earned cash on items they probably didn't need. I mean, someone spent $450 to have Hank and me host a poker party for them and 9 of their friends. Come on!

So, I have a crazy idea.

What if,

• instead of enlisting an army of parents to collectively work thousands of hours,
• instead of badgering every friendly business in San Francisco to donate goods and services,
• instead of further enriching schools with well-off parents and leaving poorer populations to flounder,
• instead of duplicating this effort at EVERY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL I KNOW

what if we raised taxes and actually funded schools?

I know I'm just a tax and spend liberal, and I know that governments are relentlessly inefficient, but you're not going to convince me that this auction debacle is a more sane way to fund things like a school librarian, or pencils.

Until this situation is fixed, I'll keep having this conversation with my wife:

Me: Well, I'm going to put in some laundry, then clean up the kitchen, and then go grocery shopping. This afternoon, I'll bring Daisy over to see her cousins.
Hank: You should get a wife.

No kidding. Too bad the school auction ate mine.

I went to an event this evening and the hostess was wearing a lovely dress which showed off a bit of cleavage.

One of her good friends (and a hell of a nice guy) apologized to her for his inability to keep his eyes up at her eye level. She nodded graciously and replied that it was ok. She suggested that a lifetime of being a female had inoculated her against being offended by the semi-frequent eye-bob that men generally tend to do.

I contemplated this conversation.

My first thought was, "They know?"

I can't speak for all men, but I think I'm pretty damn good at booby sneak peeks. I try to do them when the boob-possessor isn't looking, and I keep my glances to an ephemeral little peek. I've been a breast aficionado now for more than 25 years, so I've had a lot of time to hone my skills. I'm no longer the open-mouthed gaping teenager who was stunned by his first vision of looking down a girl's shirt.

My second thought was "Do they know how hard we try NOT to look?"

I'm not sneaking peeks because it's a hobby of mine, it's because I can't not look. It's like an addiction. I mean, BREASTS! Have you seen those things? They're fantastic. If you are a woman who is showing the merest hint of cleavage and I am not looking at your breasts, it is because of the following monologue going on in my brain: "Don't look. Don't look. Jesus, do not look at her breasts. I wonder if they still look like they looked five minutes ago? Oh, man, I bet they're better. Oh, crap. Don't look. Don't look. Don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlook." It's a constant battle.

That being said, I have two points to make:

1) If some woman that I know is reading this (including tonight's hostess, but not including Hank), I never look at YOUR breasts. I'm talking about everyone else's.

2) Don't start hiding your breasts. Just because I might want to lose a few pounds doesn't mean that I want chocolate chip cookies eradicated from the planet. Similarly, just because I might be trying to not look at your breasts, doesn't mean that I don't want to be aware of them.

Hank and I finished watching Season 1 of Heroes a few days ago. It was fun and exciting and yummy. We were all ready to watch the piddly number of episodes that they made for this year's season.

I went to iTunes. No dice. They don't carry it. I went to the NBC site and they had it, but it was in a crappy and advertisement-laden video player. Ugh. I saw that Amazon Unbox carried it, but after the last Unbox debacle (10 hours to download and subsequent restrictions that didn't give us enough time to actually watch the movie), I surely wasn't going to give them more of my money. Stupid freakin' DRM.

So, I turned to the dark side. I found some weird site that hosted 350Mb-sized episodes and I downloaded a couple.

I'm a rebel. I'm an outlaw. I'm a copyright-violator.

Perhaps emboldened by this illegal activity, I just fired off the first political emails of my life. California is going through a budget crisis and our governor has proposed astonishingly deep cuts to our public schools. After hearing my daughter's principal speak this evening, I decided it was time to get off my keyboard and write some emails explaining what I thought about these cuts.

I wrote to all 11 of the San Francisco Supervisors (who have some funds available), my state legislator, and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (man, that's STILL hard to type). So far all its gotten me is a call from one of the SF supes, but it's only been 30 minutes.

Fight the power, Daisy.

My friend Juliet told me a story about her daughter a while ago. Juliet explained how they recently had a party at their apartment and several of their guests congregated on their deck to admire the view. A couple of them lit up cigarettes.

Juliet's four year-old daughter, Claire, spotted the smokers and ran to her mother.

"Mommy!" Claire whispered loudly, "They're cigaretting!"

Juliet rolled her eyes at this part of the story and said to me, "My daughter is such a narc."

I sympathized with Juliet because there's little doubt that my daughter Daisy will be right there on Narc Patrol with Claire. One of Daisy's favorite activities, for example, is to walk around our neighborhood and identify all the cars that have expired registration stickers. She'll note which cars have complied with registration procedures, which are on the verge of non-compliance, and which ones are just scum-of-the-earth registration scofflaws.

Daisy just LOVES this kind of stuff. She came home from school the other day quite pleased.

Me: Hey, how was school, baby?
Daisy: Great! Fantastic!
Me: Wow. Cool.
Daisy: On a scale from 1 to 10, it was an 8,000! AND IT'S STILL CLIMBING!
Me: Dang! That's quite a day. What made it so good?
Daisy: Well, my teacher, Miss Smith, she had to leave the classroom for a few minutes, so she had to pick someone to be in charge while she was gone AND SHE PICKED ME! I WAS IN CHARGE!
Me: I see. I take it you liked that.
Daisy: Oh. Oh, yes.

Teaching this kid to question authority ain't gonna be easy.

Today I stepped into the future.

For many years I have rented movies just like our ancestors did.  I either went to my local video store to rent a DVD, or I got a disc in the mail from Netflix.  This worked fine for me, just as it did for our caveman predecessors, but it's not very fast.   It seems silly to pass these physical disks around.  All this... this... matter!  Just to watch something that ultimately is going to be converted to a bunch of ones and zeroes!  

So today, for the very first time, I went to the "Amazon Unbox" menu on my Tivo and downloaded a movie for Daisy, who was home sick.  Bam!  Just like that I was in the future!  No time portal or slingshotting around the sun required.   

Do you want to know what I found in the future?  I'll tell you.  SUCKAGE!  It took a full TEN HOURS for the movie to download far enough to allow us to start playing it.  It finally got there right before Daisy's bed time.  Now we have 48 hours in which to watch the movie, but only 24 hours once we hit the Play button, and I think we have to watch it with one hand tied behind our back.  Given that today was really the only big chunk of time that Daisy has in the next 48 hours, we basically spent $2.99 and 10 hours for nothing but a gut full of aggravation.  

I'm sure Amazon would blame my ISP, and my ISP would blame my wifi network, and my wifi network would blame my configuration, and my configuration would blame Amazon, so there's not much point in finger-pointing or trying to get back my measly three dollars, but I'm annoyed as ass.  I don't know if you've seen my ass, but its annoyance capacity is astounding.

Really the only thing that has prevented me from committing suicide from despair over the technological future of our society is that I'm typing this blog post on my brand spanking new Macbook.

I guess technology isn't always annoying.

I had a pre-pre job interview today. Although my current job pays well, and my business suit consists of slippers and a bathrobe, recent activities at my company have convinced me that my days are numbered. I figure I have about a year before they replace me with a couple of college grads in Bangalore. Maybe two years. Maybe a lot less.

My buddy Jay has been working with a guy who is building a new sports website and will soon need to hire a company full of people (assuming he can find some funding). Jay typically runs in pretty hip circles and doesn't know very many sports fans, so given my history with baseball software, he naturally thought of me.

Today, the three of us had lunch, and it went ok. The odds that the entrepreneur can get funding, AND would want to hire me, AND could pay me what I need are pretty slim, but at the very least I got a tasty burger out of the process. I gotta tell you, going from insanely-dry business process management software to working on a sports website would be a kick (the good kind, not the in-the-teeth kind). I haven't had a job I could explain to my mother since I worked at a one-hour photo shop in college.

I'm not going to hold my breath on this opportunity, but I'm definitely going to keep looking. Changing jobs fits in pretty well with my whole midlife-crisis thing.

So tired today.

Daisy had a sleepover last night. I don't recall doing many (if any) sleepovers when I was her age, so I didn't go into this parenting thing with the understanding that sleepovers are ironically named. They aren't sleepovers at all. They're wake-overs. Pee-on-the-floor-overs. Can't-fall-asleep-overs. Vomit-in-your-sleeping-bag-overs. Get-up-early-overs.

Mostly they're Keep-Mike-Up-overs. That's why I spent much of today in a sleep-deprivation fog, wondering what the hell I was doing. I sat in the driver's seat of the car, sans car key, wondering what was missing (answer: keys!). I cracked myself up contemplating many possible blog posts, none of which was remotely amusing (answer: this one!). I wandered into rooms and then forgot why (answer: beats me).

Anyway, I'm off to... uh... Crap. I don't know. I hope it involves TV.